


A Disgusting Otaku Like Me

by tearsofashlynx



Series: You're My Muse [1]
Category: Shall We Date?: Obey Me!
Genre: Angst, Best Friends, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Jealousy, Leviathan is Alone, Loneliness, Other, Pain, Panic Attacks, Pining, References to Depression, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-03
Updated: 2020-11-03
Packaged: 2021-03-09 02:55:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,303
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27357616
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tearsofashlynx/pseuds/tearsofashlynx
Summary: Levi didn't think he was capable of being in a relationship.He had come to terms with the fact no one would love him even before he fell to the Devildom, no one ever paid much attention to him, at least not in /that/ way. He was just a shut-in, stinky otaku destined to date programmed characters from otome games and visual novels.Every day he would force himself to RAD, only to see couples and friends all around him, when he only had Ruri-chan and sometimes his brothers to call his friends.But one day, out of nowhere, a human appeared as part of an exchange programme, and suddenly Levi's life was changed as he experienced emotions he'd never felt before.
Relationships: Leviathan/Main Character (Shall We Date?: Obey Me!), Main Character/Mammon (Shall We Date?: Obey Me!)
Series: You're My Muse [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1999558
Comments: 9
Kudos: 74





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Based partly on this thread from my Twitter account: https://twitter.com/tearsofashlynx/status/1323365582046199810?s=20

Levi was certain that he was incapable of being loved. 

It would just never happen, there was nothing much more to it. Whether as a friend or more than that, Levi had successfully convinced himself that he would remain alone for eternity, the ridiculously long lifespan of a demon only making him suffer for longer. If only he could cut it short somehow.

Even in the Celestial Realm, his brothers always caught the attention of other angels, whilst he remained in the shadows. Lucifer was praised for being so intelligent and mature, caring for so many younger brothers. Whilst Beelzebub and Belphegor were praised for being so sweet and cute, with many angels fawning over them as if they were babies. At times, Levi even considered screaming for no particular reason, just to see if he was actually visible to other people. To see if he really existed, because it didn't seem that way.

In the Devildom, he only felt worse. Falling from the Celestial Realm was frightening and painful, but it would never compare to being surrounded by people but invisible to them all. Day after day, Levi would drag himself to RAD, only to see couples and friends laughing and chatting, whilst he wore unplugged headphones and slipped through the crowd, invisible like a tormented ghost. His heart was in shackles, chained up with the key buried deep in the ground. There was no shovel, and no one cared for him enough to dig it out. Even his own body wouldn't cooperate, because he hated himself so much he believed he deserved the pain. 

_'They must all hate me, that's the only reason why no one talks to me.'_

Levi was even a member of the student council, in anime that would guarantee him popularity. But it wasn't even popularity that he was after- he just wanted a _friend_. Someone who he could talk to without the fear of being judged or hated, someone who wouldn't talk about him behind his back or give him strange looks. Someone to share his passion with, so he could listen to theirs with an open mind and heart. 

During a Devildom History class, Levi stared out of the window. A pair of demons were sneaking around in the academy's gardens, laughing and pulling each other around, their hands clasped so tightly it would be impossible to pry them apart. Rain gently drummed on the window, and they fled to a nearby tree, collapsing onto the ground in a mini heap and taking pictures on their phones. Beside Levi, a group of friends whispered to each other as they discussed their plans to visit Majolish once that 'boring class' was over.

If only they knew how dull a life without interaction felt. A life where your self-esteem controlled every single aspect of the day: whether you'd eat lunch in the cafeteria or cry, whether you'd attend class or sit on the rooftop, wondering if falling from so high would result in instant death or just further suffering. 

At the end of class, like any other class, Levi packed his bags and went home alone. Groups of students were hanging around on the streets, sharing umbrellas, and laughing about random events during the day that Levi found himself envious of. A couple of girls accidentally walked into the men's toilets and ran straight out? He would have even risked the embarrassment just to experience something, _anything_. He saw Beel making his way home, students following him and offering him snacks just to see him smile. Asmo was in a similar position, cameras following him as if he was a celebrity.

_'My smile is so ugly, it's not worth remembering. That must be why no one wants to make me happy. I don't blame them.'_

Finally, in his bedroom in the House of Lamentation, Levi would glue himself to otome games, the only place he could find any kind of warmth and love. Programmed drawings were his source of comfort and affection, because to the 3D people he was just a shadow that loomed over them. 

_'It would be better for everyone if I just died already.'_

-+-+-+-

The next day, Levi couldn't get out of bed. It was physically impossible. His head ached after spending hours crying the night before, masking the sound with some random anime that he didn't feel like watching. He hadn't even changed from the day before, his uniform was uncomfortable and borderline painful, but that was fine because he deserved it. Staring at the ceiling, his eyes filled with tears he didn't even realise he still had in him. Images of his own funeral played in his mind, but whilst this would be a nightmare for most, it felt like a dream.

No one was there to send him off, and the rain washed away every trace of his existence. There were no mourners, there wasn't even a coffin, just a thunderstorm, and mud that he would eventually rot into. At least he would eventually help the grass grow there, though he also caused it to wither and die with his useless body sprawled over it. 

Shuffling onto his side, Levi sobbed quietly. He wrapped his own tail around him, trying to provide himself with warmth, but it was as cold as his frozen heart. 

"Oi, Levi," A hand gently shook his shoulder. "Come on, Lucifer says he has a surprise for us. Don't ya wanna see it?" 

Mammon's voice alone was enough to cause Levi to burst into tears, clutching onto his brother's shirt as he tried to find the words to describe the traumatic pain that wrecked his body and mind. "H-Help me, pl-please- I can't- It won't-"

"Shh," Mammon sighed quietly and pulled his brother close. He still wasn't used to this, despite how many times he had to comfort Levi from his own feelings of worthlessness and loneliness. He wanted to save his younger brother from the bottomless void that was swallowing him up, but every time he tried, it was as if Levi sunk deeper. "Jus' get ready, ya might like what Lucifer's plannin'."

Levi was certain he would hate it, or it wouldn't affect him in any way. After all, ghosts didn't care for presents, and shadows could never bask in the light. 

What Levi _didn't_ know was that this 'surprise' would be life-changing.

The human came along, a part of some exchange program he wasn't aware of. They had kind eyes, and a nervous smile when they met all his brothers. Their eyes met- no one ever looked Levi in the eyes. 

"It's nice to meet you, Leviathan!" 

"Y-Yeah, thank- thanks." 

-+-+-+-

In the coming months, Levi found that the human was naturally gravitating towards him. Yes, they were friendly with his brothers too, but the fact they paid any attention to someone as uninteresting as himself shocked him. A warm feeling began to melt the ice coating his heart, which beat a little faster whenever they walked by. At first, he couldn't approach them. He didn't dare, for he wasn't worth even looking at, even though he tried to look a little better for them. His hair was neater, his clothes always crisp and clean, but for what? Why did he even think that would make the emptiness go away? How dare he believe that they would look at him and think he looked _good_? 

_'I should know my place. They're beautiful, I'm not. Beautiful people love other beautiful people, they don't bat an eyelid at people like me.'_

Weeks passed, and whenever the human exchange student tried to talk to Levi, he playfully pushed them away.

"You're such a _normie_ ," He'd tease, without an ounce of malicious intent. "You wouldn't understand."

They'd pout and laugh, promising that they'd become even more knowledgeable than him, and whilst the idea of someone else taking the one thing he was known for away from him hurt, the idea of a promise was so comforting. No one ever promised him anything before, and he'd treasure this promise for as long as possible. In the middle of the night, they turned up in his room, asking if they could watch anime with him to 'learn more' so they could impress him.

Lightning struck outside and they trembled, clutching onto his arm, telling him to swear he wouldn't tell anyone. Light from his screen illuminated their teary eyes, as they buried their face in his shoulder and he gently placed a hand on their head. His movements were slow and steady because he was so surprised he couldn't even function properly, and he didn't want to scare them away.

After that night, the human only began to accompany him more. Soon, they went from watching a few episodes of anime together to beating entire games and cosplaying. Levi even built up the courage to ask them to be his best friend, and they accepted the offer so easily it almost moved Levi to tears. He'd never had a best friend before, not even a normal friend, yet someone was so quick to agree it was as if he was dreaming. 

_'They only like you as a friend. Don't get excited.'_

For once in his miserable life, Levi ignored what his insecurities told him. He ignored them with every ounce of strength he could muster up because he couldn't ignore the need for something more with his best friend. The human was the only person to have ever listened to his rambling with a smile, the only person to walk with him to and from RAD. For once in his painfully lonely life, Levi wasn't focused on envying other people, because he had exactly what he needed and nothing more, nothing less. For once in his exhausting life, Levi could genuinely smile without having to worry about it looking too false or forced. 

Levi didn't want to scare away the light of his life.

So he didn't say anything, not at first anyway. They seemed so content as best friends, changing that could bring the entire relationship crumbling down like the ruins of a once beautiful cathedral, reduced to just a pile of rocks that hold no significance anymore. For as long as he could take it, he would continue living his life with the addition of a new best friend, and they'd enjoy themselves to the fullest, all whilst he tried to push his feelings to the back of his mind. He couldn't be selfish, not even just once, because that could jeopardise his entire life which had only just become worth living.

The sun never rose in the Devildom, yet somehow Levi's life had been blessed by its warm rays. 

-+-+-+-

One day, after school, Levi paced an empty classroom nervously. He'd asked the human to wait outside for him, claiming he'd forgotten a book, but he was actually practicing a confession he felt the need to make. His feelings were so close to overflowing, his once frozen heart about to explode with warmth and love. The demon had never felt this way before, and he wanted to explore it more with them, to understand how love truly felt after centuries of excruciating loneliness. 

_'Don't be so stupid! You're gonna scare them off if you say something weird like that, give up.'_

Levi left the classroom and walked them home in silence, leaving the confession for another day. He loved them, so they came first in all aspects. If he confessed then, they would have felt forced into a relationship, and he didn't want to hurt them.

But Levi was also afraid of rejection- why would they accept anyway? Being lovers and best friends were very different, and Levi was lucky enough to have a single friend, a lover seemed too good to be true. He didn't deserve one, clearly, any idiot would know that. 

_'They probably hate cowards, so they're gonna hate you if you don't do anything.'_

These conflicting thoughts, the harsh voices in his lonely mind drove Leviathan close to insanity. What was he supposed to do when his own mind contradicted itself? Was he so useless that he couldn't even _think_ for himself? Even if he wanted to be the human's best friend, he needed a spine, or they'd leave him as fast as they crashed into his messy life. Once again, Levi gave into his confusing thoughts and prepared to confess that night, over some funny slice-of-life anime and a bucket of popcorn to share, exactly how they liked it, with the perfect ratio of popcorn and salt. 

Despite how hard Levi worked to ensure everything was perfect, no matter how much he practiced his lines over and over again to Henry, they never turned up. 

Once again, Levi was all alone. 

But that was unusual- they always spent Friday nights watching anime until the morning, it was a routine at that point. Were they sick? Did they need help? Was it his fault? Of course it was, they must have seen that he didn't pick anything up from the classroom and thought he was plotting something weird or dangerous. They must have been scared out of their mind, and it was all his fault. 

_'Do something right for once in your miserable life or just drop dead, stupid.'_

Levi approached their door, reaching out to knock with a trembling hand. He could barely breathe, his levels of anxiety rising by the second. Why would they want to see him, if he was the cause of their pain? He should have never asked them to be his best friend because all he did was hurt them. All he did was ruin their experience in the Devildom, they probably wouldn't want to come back once they left. Did they even want to be his best friend? Or was he too forceful with that too? 

When he heard footsteps approaching from the stairs, Levi spun around and scampered back to his room.

-+-+-+-

The following morning, Levi was awake first. In fact, he hadn't slept at all, because he was too busy putting together a confession letter for the human he had fallen so hard for. He battled against negative thoughts the entire night, redrafting it so much he almost ran out of paper. It was worth the struggle, though, because he had the perfect letter to hand to them and even a plan of action to go along with it. He'd make a funny otaku joke, about how cliche it was to confess with letters. He'd call himself the love interest of a shoujo manga, saying that they were the most beautiful protagonist he'd ever seen and that no 2D person would ever even come close to them. Anticipation made it impossible for Levi to sit still as Satan served breakfast, his other brothers eyeing him curiously as he squirmed in his seat. It was refreshing to see him with such a genuine smile adorning his face, which was glowing with a beauty that had been hidden by a shroud of loneliness for as long as they could remember. 

Moments later, the human he awaited so excitedly finally made an appearance with Mammon, as they were the only ones late for their morning meal. It hurt a little to see them laughing with Mammon the way they laughed with him, but he pushed away that envious feeling as much as possible. As long as they were smiling, Levi was smiling too. Mammon would soon rush off to school anyway, leaving him alone with them as they always were on the way to school; he'd become their (unofficial) designated companion and he felt like the luckiest demon in the Devildom. 

That was until he caught Mammon making out with the only person he'd ever loved. 

"I'll see you at school, Mammoney~" They giggled, pulling him down by the collar for another kiss, before turning to Levi. "Shall we go?" 

Levi tried to mask the despair he felt, covering his face with a hand whilst the other clutched at the love letter hidden in his pocket. "I-I feel a little sick, tell Lu-Lucifer I'll be late to class." 

On that note, Levi sped away before they could question him. 

An hour later, once Levi was sure everyone would be in class, he finally turned up at school. He had a science class that day, where he'd sit with the exchange students because none of the demon students wanted to sit with him. But that was fine with him because he wasn't alone for once. For once, he felt the warmth of another person, and he could feel his heart beating in his chest. For once, his body and soul were warm and open, not ice-cold and hidden away. For once, he had a _purpose_.

However, that day, he wanted more than anything to be alone, much like he used to be. 

So, Leviathan found himself sat on the roof of RAD once more, his feet dangling dangerously off the edge.

But this time he didn't wonder if he would die painlessly, because he'd embrace the pain he felt he deserved. Instead, he wondered where it all went wrong. 

Laughing sadly at himself, Levi spoke to nobody in particular: _"Nothing went wrong, idiot. No one would ever love a disgusting otaku like me."_

Without hesitation, Levi finally let go of the wretched life he led. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Why aren't I dead yet...?"

But Levi never hit the ground.

Warm arms were enveloping him; was this what the grip of death felt like? No, it was far too comforting to be his demise. Though his vision was blurred by tears, Levi looked up momentarily, trying to figure out what went wrong, before darkness fell and his body went limp.

Was he so useless that he couldn’t even kill himself right? Did he really deserve so much pain that even death wasn’t an option? Images of all those around him disappearing plagued his mind; one by one, they left him, and no matter how loud he screamed, they barely flinched. First, his brothers left him, finding him a worthless weight that held the family down.

But worst of all, Mammon took his best friend with him, his arm around their waist…

….And they turned back to look at him, appearing as if they were _terrified_ by him.

_‘That’s right, you’re just a disgusting otaku. What went wrong? Nothing. Everything went wrong the moment you came into this world, the only solution is to leave it. You’re disgusting, Levi. You’re disgusting, Levi. Levi-‘_

“Leviathan!” A familiar voice shouted, though their voice was breaking. “You’re awake, thank _goodness_ you’re awake!” Comforting arms were enveloping his weak body- he felt numb, he couldn’t even comprehend what was happening, but that voice… it was so familiar.

“Si- Simeon…?”

“You poor soul…” Simeon wiped his tears for him, shushing him and stroking his head as tears spilled down his cheeks. Levi was screaming, the pain releasing itself in the form of yelling as it was muffled by Simeon’s soothing shoulder. “I know, I know it hurts. I’m here now, so please, let it all out for me.” White wings shielded Levi from the harsh world, like a pair of pure shields that would take the pain in Levi's place. 

Levi couldn’t even form words, he felt so much pain suddenly exploding from within that speaking was near impossible. All he could do was sob, sob until his throat hurt and eyes burned from all the tears he shed. Why did Simeon feel the need to leave class, to stop doing whatever he was doing, to save someone who made no difference regardless if they were alive or dead?

For hours, the angel embraced the demon on that cold rooftop, trying to shoulder some of his pain so he didn't have to suffer alone anymore. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YES THIS IS MERGING INTO A LEVI/SIMEON FIC AND I'M REALLY EXCITED ABOUT IT!!


End file.
